Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts

THE TERRIBLE TWO IN OUR MARRIAGE

I thought that only the toddler stage experiences "terrible two".  I did not know that a couple who has been married for two years and up, can also experience this.  This is the time when I sometimes feel that Bryan is terribble  (or the other way around, of course), or I am drawn that the relationship I am in sucks.

I think this happens because...

1.  What looks cute when we were bf-gf, is kind of annoying now.
2.  The little things that I remind my husband about (and again vice-versa) is ALWAYS  forgotten!
           e.g.  Bryan does not like pushing back the chairs he uses and I never wash the dishes (even the                    teaspoons I use for my coffee)
3.  We get physically tired and there are errands that have to be done
4.  We discover qualities that makes us say "Ganyan ka pala!"
5.   I strongly want this, he wants the other badly.
6.  We are two sinful human beings trying to be great in this messy world

So yes, we have been having disagreements and making up this year. We seldom fought on  the first year of our marriage, so this year brought disappointments.  Of course, this is normal naman, however, it should still be faced. These little fights, if not dealt with, may lead to serious complications that can harm us and Risen.

We are on the look out.  I am sharing some things we have been doing because we want our story to help those who are having little difficulties here and there too.  So here...

1.  We have two support groups at the moment from CCF Muntinlupa.  One is the Dgroup under Ptr Roy and Tita Lyn and one is under Albert and Viv.  The first mostly looks into our spiritual growth, ministry, and relationship with the Lord while the second is a community for marriage and parenthood.  These are some of the trusted people whose "kamusta?" is as deep as the Pacific ocean.

2.  We have once a week devotions.  During this time, we try to air our sentiments, questions, stories that are essential to our marriage.  This is intentional. As much as possible we talk about issues, hurts (if there are any), and others. At least once a week we figure out how we are doing as a wife and husband, if we have been improving or lagging.  Marriage is work.  That is why we have to intentionally (love this word) work on it.

3.  Since some of our quarrels is on how to raise Risen, we have decided to read books on parenting and not based everything on how our lovely parents did it.  In books, we receive "expert" advice wherein we can both discuss wihout any biasses.

4.  We go out and spend quality time together.  We buy bottles of wine and chips on those moments we can't leave Risen.  We save for staycations and short trips.  We bond.  We explore places and restaurants.  We make each other as the best buddies we can ever have.

5.  We give each other space  (Since I do not work and I have a gazillion friends, I usually ask for this).  I go out with my friends alone.  I take day-offs.

6.  We both accept the things that won't harm our marriage with a smile,   I just push back the chairs he uses and he washes the teaspoons I used for my coffee.  So there, walang away ;)

7.  We acknowledge and we give way to God's help, direction and guidance.  We have to make sure that we are both growing closer to Him because this is the only way to be closer to each other.  God helps us say "sorry", forgive, and love when we find each other unlovable.

I love being married to an imperfect guy named Bryan.  He is perfect for the imperfect wife like me. To end, let me share this thought...

image not mine






WAIT!! DO NOT GET MARRIED YET!

Yes, you are hearing this from someone who has been enjoying marriage for almost three years now.  I guess, this is the main reason why I am "warning" those who want to get married to consider the following below.  We have seen how a marriage could be ugly if done carelessly. It can be disappointing if you just jump on it. In many of our intentional talks about our relationship, we have seen how it really takes two  three (God plus us) to run this commitement.

1.  If you are a believer and follower of Jesus, marry someone of the same faith.  I have heard girls (and some boys) say that "okay lang, kasi mabait at responsible naman".  Let me tell you straight that in many decisions that you will make as a husband and wife, you do not need a man who is only kind and responsible.  Go, ask christian couples.  See what they have to say.  I am sure they would tell you that you need a man who will solely rely on God and His direction for your lives. I hope the hand you are holding now is the kind of hands who open up the Bible and commune with God thru prayer.  Because again, hindi pwedeng mabait lang.  Let me convince you more.  Read this

2.  Consider having your own home/apartment first.  Leave and cleave.  Allow your husband to be a leader or your wife to be a real homemaker.  After all, marriage is all about to having your own family so let it be.  It feels good to play "lutu-lutuan" and "bahay-bahayan" with the person you married.  Money may be an issue here, with that, go back to my title - "Wait!! Do Not Get Married Yet!".  To add read up on what Maricar Reyes has to say (wife to Ricahrd Poon) on this.

3.  Be sure to keep an "after wedding money".  A lot of people have told me to never borrow money (loan, use credit card, ask for money, etc) for a wedding because it is not good to start a new life with utang.  I agree with this, plus, to make sure to not spend all your savings for the wedding.  The married life is more important than the event that will only happen for a day. It would be nice if you could follow-up a wedding with spontaneous dates, staycations or even family visits.  Remember that a wedding should not make you broke.  It needs not be expensive.  You can always DIY, invite the closests, be a minimalist and creative.

second night as a married couple in Estancia Tagaytay

4.  Plan a honeymoon.  The first thing that we paid for was our plane ticket to Bangkok and Phuket.  We do not have anything yet but we already had bookings for honeymoon (which I am very glad we did).  Yes, we were that excited! I guess that for a couple who decided to wait (our first kiss was at the altar), this is something that is really cherished and looked forward too.  Our seven day honeymoon plus a long vacation was so worth the wait.  I hope you will choose to really enjoy your honeymoon too.







5. Having a baby can be "accepted" but it should not be a reason to get married.  I do not know how to put this without being too direct.  Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.  A baby does not only need parents.  He would want a mother and a father who loves each other as well.

6.  Talk about it.  Do not just discuss it between the two of you but have someone guide you, ask you difficult questions, mentor you and show you what marriage is all about.  Yes, marriage is different from every couple, but it would not hurt to get wisdom from the seasoned ones.  It will helpful to see what could be difficult and answer it with all honesty because one way or another, you will have to deal with it in the future. 

7.  Marry for the right reasons.  Not because you want to escape from responsibilities, not because you want to be away from home, not because to have a family (because what if God won't give you kids?), not because you are already old, not because of financial freedon, not because of convenience.  Get married because you have chosen to love and will choose to love the same person for a lifetime and lastly and most importantly, because it is clear that this is what God wants you to be and do.


MAY THIS ENTRY AFFIRM MY LOVE TO THE LGBT COMMUNITY

I have learned how to respect the LGBT community back in college. My four year stay in the Philippine Normal Univesity made me witness how these group of people shone as student leaders, organization presidents, class wizards and talented individuals.

the people in this photo may not be a part of the LGBT community
My connection with them did not stop when I graduated.  Up until now, I have very good friends who are gays and lesbians.  I guess, from respect, I have also learned to gladly love and treasure them.  I have heard their stories, both beautiful and painful, and I can say that their wanting to be "accepted" is real and deep.  They are just like you and me who also want to be "liked" by the people around them.  Their longing to be with someone is also genuine.  It is not because of lust nor of just being in a relationship.  Just like us, at the end of the day, they want to be able to call someone their own.  

However, I also believe that no marriage or person can make someone complete.  Maybe for some (both homosexual and straight) they think that tying the knot with someone is like a trophe that they can wave proudly.  Maybe even, for some, they feel that the "cure" to being lonely and unloved is marriage, which is by the way really really wrong.

So what do I want to say?

In my journey, I have seen, learned and fully embraced that the only way to feel accepted is through Jesus Christ.  In Him, we would not feel that we "need" to be legally with someone just to be happy. With Jesus, we would see weddings and love life as bonuses and not as the "main object". Truly, with God, we are complete.

My desire for every unmarried person (both in and out of the LGBT community) is to see that marriage should not be taken like a pill. It is not like a medicine that could make us feel better.  It is not like a magic wand that can give instant results.  It will not guarantee happiness, acceptance and forever.

So what is my stand?

Discover the author of marriage first.  Know God and His wonderful plans for you.  Move towards it. Then as you do, I am sure He would lead you to what is best for you - and yes, this may include marriage! :)

  





TO THE MAN WHO TOLD ME THAT MARRIAGE IS ONLY "FUN" ON THE FIRST YEAR

                                                     



By God's grace, our marriage is still fun po.

It may not be perfect but it is still awesome.  Though your "reminder" was a little off (especially that you mentioned it a week after our wedding), it made me very mindful to make each day count.

To make sure that arguments end with forgiveness.  That miscommunication end with clarification. That we still make each other a priority though we have Risen.  That we put God in every decision we make.

Your "reminder" also made me realize that making marriage fun all through life is a bit challenging but it is doable.  Good thing, we are not alone. The creator of marriage also wants our relationship to not just work. God wants also to be romantic, fun, beautiful and inspiring.

We have only been married for two and a half years so we know that the next years are really unknown. Marami pa po kaming kakaining bigas.  However, we have seen and met couples who have been married for the longest time but are still very excited about each other and their marriage.  They are our inspiration.  We have God and we have these inseparable couples to look up to.  

So just in case you would ask po, yes, I would love to marry the crazy man I am with again and again and again.  








From Being MARRIED To Becoming IT'S COMPLICATED

from love to bleh
from kisses to turned backs
from holding hands to walking apart from each other
from  long sweet talks to silence
from being married to becoming it's complicated






What happened, love birds?


I do not have specific answers but I have a list of the possible things that might be harming your marriage.  These are mostly principles from the Bible and  I chose this to be on top of the list because I believe that God gave very specific instructions for happy and ideal relationships.  I am not an expert myself so I always make sure to go back to His words. Isn't it great that God made sure we have guidelines to help us with our lives?  Yes, even with our marriage!  If we choose to obey them, we will surely have a better life. So if you are a believer of God and His Word, this might be helpful for you and your marriage.

1.  You still live with your parents or in-laws
As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." Ephesians 5:31

2.  Husbands, you do not show your love to your wife and wives, you do not show respect to your husband
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"Ephesians 5:23-25

3.  You need to forgive
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

4.  You have the wrong set of priorities. 
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.- Matthew 6:33
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

5.  Your roles have changed.  The wives have become the leader and the husbands the follower.
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" - Ephesians 5:23-25

let me also add a thing or two from my observation...

6.  You still have your kid/s in the middle of your bed

7.  There is too  much use of gadget while inside the car, before going to sleep, inside the restaurant, or even during "family time"

8.  You have a long distance relationship

9.  Work or sleep has taken over Sabbath day

As I mentioned earlier, I am not an expert on marriage.  However, we are blessed to have a very supportive D-group and church who counsels and teaches us how to protect our marriages.  In our D-group at CCF Muntinlupa, I and Bryan sit down with other couples where we discuss our issues, blessings and questions on motherhood, fatherhood, work, relationships, or generally, with our married life.  Then in our church, we have topics where we are pointed out to the giver of all things - Jesus!!We also have retreats and other events solely for married couples.  It is good to be surrounded by people who values their marriages. I hope that you will choose to also be with other couples who sees marriage as sacred, pure and God given.

Marriage was created by God and He wants it to always be a "top of the world experience".  It is not His will to be sour and empty.  If you or your marriage needs help and you have questions with the list that I wrote, you can PM me.  Maybe we can discover more what the Bible says on this over a cup of cofee.  My treat, promise!


A Retreat For BCF Pastors and Their Wives




Last Saturday, God answered one of our prayers with a "yes".  We have been asking Him to enable us to spearhead and provide for a one day marriage retreat exclusively for BCF Pastors and their wives and we are so glad this is over and done with!! We desired for this because we wanted to give back to Bible Centered Fellowship.  Though we are now with CCF Muntinlupa, BCF Camella has been very instrumental in my salvation and Christian walk.  Even up to now, my homechurch has been very supportive, welcoming and intimate (especially to Bryan).  Second, though we have been married for nearly 3 years, we have seen how a marriage can be beautiful and ugly.  With these, we started to pray that God will us to serve our BCF Pastors by sponsoring a marriage retreat.  Praise God, because as always He answered!  I would also like to thank God for our friends too who initiated to share their resources.  Maan, Erick and Tere -  Mabuhay kayo pati na ang mga kabuhayan ninyo!!






We invited Kuya Erickson and Ate Dot of EDV Ministries (who were also our pre-wedding marrrige counselors) to facilitate the retreat.  This power couple aims to help Church and christian organization with the different aspects of the ministries. You may send them messages or inquiries here.  




 As much as I want to tell all what happened in the retreat, I won't and I can't.  We vowed to keep all the details in private.  However, I took some pictures which will give you a clue that we all had a productive and great time!


























Forever Yours, Forever His: My Reflections on Our Recent Retreat


The retreat we recently attended reminded me that I should value my relationship to God so my relationship with Bryan will grow all the more.  All this time, I thought marriage is all about Bryan, I have never realized that marriage is about God.  I was tasked by God to respect Bryan because this is how He wanted it to be from the very beginning. Disobeying and raising my issues to my husband in an unloving and disrespectful ways do not only displeases Bryan but more so the Lord

This was a timely reminder because I wake up every morning with the hopes of doing all I can for our little family.  Although this may be good, this is not enough because I have to please God first in every aspect of our relationship.  And when I do, that is when I can truly be the "best" wife to Bryan. Though psychology, society, and media may all have the suggestions and ways on how a marrriage can work, I realized that these institutions did not create marriage.  It was God who instituted marriage, therefore, He alone has the master blueprint on how marriages can be made beautiful.  Thank you Lord for this assurance!


Let me also include a few lines that pierced my heart during our stay in Tagaytay.  May this encourage you as well.

God has a wonderful plan for our families -- and it starts with the husband and wife
- Pastor Roy Fabella

Marriage is designed by God to be enjoyed by the couple.
- Bro. Paul Aragones

(to husband) kelan ko sinabi sayo na "I love you"? Parang hindi ba diba? O ngayon, sasabihin ko na "I love you..."
- a wife who's been married for 40 years

Married couples are to create their own household.
- Bro. Paul Aragones

The things that matters to God, matters...
- I forgot who ;)

CONFESSION: I Am A Stay-At-Home-Mom Who Cannot Stay At Home

It has been known (well at least to the people I have been years back) that I love to pack, live and go somewhere.  I have grabbed a lot of piso and non-piso flights to have a tan.  I saw myself travelling alone with my handy and trusted Jansport and Teva sandals.  If not in a province, I would be in malls, meeting friends or just really, somewhere not home.

This "lifestyle" was altered when I gave birth to Risen.  

I do not regret being with Risen 24/7 but I just have to be honest, that each and every day, I would think of a place where I could go (with Risen of course).  Either to the grocery, or to the mall, or to a coffee shop – basta aalis ako.  Every morning, there is this longing to dress-up and go somewhere.

(PS. I do not leave naman the house every day)

I was further tested when our Ate Marjorie (our help/angel at home) left for a 7 day vacation.  The first day (yes, first day!) made me want to shout.  The fact that I was left alone with Risen, no one to speak with (Bryan had to do study) for a day, made me a little bit very frustrated.  There was like a hole in my being.  I felt verrryyyy bored!!

I am a stay-at-home-mom, so, why can't I be very happy at home, alone with my son?.

That same evening, I mentioned this to Bryan.  I told him, maloloka ata ako ng walang kausap, kasama at ka-share sa pag-tingin kay Risen.  Hindi ko kaya.  It is not the chores nor the taking care of Risen part but the I have no one to talk to issue!  With this confession, we agreed to drive to Mama's house the next morning while Bryan stay in Manila to read.  I felt VERY relieved.

To date, I still struggle to just stay at home.  I wonder how the "real stay-at-home-mom" does it.  Especially with one who does not have help at home.  How do you deal with the no talking part?  The eating alone? The "it is just me and my baby"? How?

I really can't and I feel very bad about it.