Showing posts with label stay-at-home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stay-at-home. Show all posts

CONFESSION: I Am A Stay-At-Home-Mom Who Cannot Stay At Home

It has been known (well at least to the people I have been years back) that I love to pack, live and go somewhere.  I have grabbed a lot of piso and non-piso flights to have a tan.  I saw myself travelling alone with my handy and trusted Jansport and Teva sandals.  If not in a province, I would be in malls, meeting friends or just really, somewhere not home.

This "lifestyle" was altered when I gave birth to Risen.  

I do not regret being with Risen 24/7 but I just have to be honest, that each and every day, I would think of a place where I could go (with Risen of course).  Either to the grocery, or to the mall, or to a coffee shop – basta aalis ako.  Every morning, there is this longing to dress-up and go somewhere.

(PS. I do not leave naman the house every day)

I was further tested when our Ate Marjorie (our help/angel at home) left for a 7 day vacation.  The first day (yes, first day!) made me want to shout.  The fact that I was left alone with Risen, no one to speak with (Bryan had to do study) for a day, made me a little bit very frustrated.  There was like a hole in my being.  I felt verrryyyy bored!!

I am a stay-at-home-mom, so, why can't I be very happy at home, alone with my son?.

That same evening, I mentioned this to Bryan.  I told him, maloloka ata ako ng walang kausap, kasama at ka-share sa pag-tingin kay Risen.  Hindi ko kaya.  It is not the chores nor the taking care of Risen part but the I have no one to talk to issue!  With this confession, we agreed to drive to Mama's house the next morning while Bryan stay in Manila to read.  I felt VERY relieved.

To date, I still struggle to just stay at home.  I wonder how the "real stay-at-home-mom" does it.  Especially with one who does not have help at home.  How do you deal with the no talking part?  The eating alone? The "it is just me and my baby"? How?

I really can't and I feel very bad about it.






Motherhood: On Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom

I have been fantasizing of being a stay-at-home-mom long before I met Bryan.  I was convinced that this would be my way of raising my children.  However, when I was already in the reality of saying goodbye to my so called career, it dawned on me that it was a difficult choice. Hindi pala madali to let go of a life that you have been into for the longest time.  I had my own set of doubts.   And we, as a couple, had questions, issues and concerns to face.  But since we were both certain that this is what God wants for our little family (we respect those moms who chooses/needs to work), we pushed through with it.

Our first “worry” was money.  Being a full time mom would make us rely on Bryan’s paycheck (who is on study leave now).  With a growing baby to provide for, a house and car to maintain and tummies to feed, this was a big dilemma. We had to compute, re-compute, add, deduct, etc and figure out how we will “live”.  This was very humbling because we were both financially very capable before we got married, and now, we have to suddenly cut on our spending.  Amidst of all the questions on how we will survive, we are comforted that where God leads, He provides.  We never ran out of bills to pay and needs to buy, but up until now, I do not know how God makes it work for us.  He is really our Jehovah Jireh.  He provides!

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To add, being a stay-at-home-mom equals to house-arrest.  Did I tell you I cannot literally stay at home? I have to leave the house every single day.  I am allergic to staying at home 24hours.  This will make me insane!  However, Risen came and he taught me I can.  Kaya naman pala.  Although I must admit that the first two months was the hardest.  I would often secretly cry and ask myself “ito na lang ba talaga buhay ko ngayon? Breastfeed, burp, play with baby, put him to sleep?”  But, it got easier!  On Risen’s third month, chores became manageable, I was able to go out again, meet friends, fix myself and spend time with Bryan.  My life became active and I felt normal again.  Today, I just need to go out at least once a week (church not counted).  Ok na ko with this. hihihi

Third, when we decided that I would be staying at home, I had to force myself to be productive.  We both knew it cannot be always about Risen.  For sanity purposes, I had to do something on the side. And once again, God surprised us with a few writing and online teaching rakets I was able to get.  This did not only add  a few cash on our savings but also gave me contentment. The joy of being able to work and see Risen across the table is something I would not trade for anything.   I am getting paid to watch Risen grow. Ang galing!


Amazing, amazing God!  He truly gives our heart’s desire if we rely on his will and put our faith and trust in Him.   Each day is still a learning process for me (and Bryan) but I am grateful for the chance to raise a boy.  Being a stay-at-home-mom is never easy, but with God’s grace, I count it all joy. 


MOTHERHOOD: On What Changed In Me

Mama has been a stay-at-home mother for me and Kai.  She never worked nor did business.  Me and Kai were her daily tasks.  With this upbringing, at an early age, I was convinced that one day I would like to be one too.

Now that I am living the life of Mom who is always at home, I witnessed how my life drastically and beautifully change.  Yes, my status, routine, schedule, priorities were all altered but aside from all of these, there is something inside me that was transformed.  I thought I was already the person I want to be when I got to my late twenties, obviously, I was incorrect. Motherhood (even without my "permission") impacted my life so much that I felt I became a new person.

I did not realize what responsibility meant up until a life was given to me (us). Holding Risen for the first time, and seeing how tiny, soft, and vulnerable he was, was insanely unimaginable.  He has life and his breathing, eating, comfort, and happiness  purely depends on me (us).  I (we) am literally his life.  If I do anything stupid or clumsy, I may lose him.  The moment I became pregnant, a life depends on me.  A life purely depends on me.

I also thought that all the short term missions and community immersions I did made me experience sacrifice.  However, as you have guessed, I was wrong again.  Those things were only 10 percent of what sacrifice  really is. This page will not be enough of the things I had to painfully let go to make sure Risen has a sane Mom at home. I do not regret this (and a lot of Moms told me I never will) but I have to be honest that sometimes, I miss a lot of things.  I miss being spontaneous, teaching inside the classroom, not thinking of anything, sleeping the whole day, working and leaving work to meet up with friends, and a whole lot more.  One may think these are just little circumstances, but when you are tied up with responsibilities you plainly cannot leave at all cost, these little cups of happiness become a humongous platter.

Lastly, I did not realize how self-centered and selfish I was when I was still single. I only thought of myself, my joys, and what I want.  This character made me hurt my parents because I only see myself in every situation.  What I need, What I want, What I am suppose to have. Risen taught me to slowly let go of this.  The unconditional love of my parents and the stubborn grace of God make me tear up and sorry how selfish I was in the past. Ang sama sama ko palang bata noon :(.... Although this attitude still surfaces at times, I am humbled on how my situation brings me back to where I should be.

I am only on my first year of being a stay-at-home mom, a God's work in progress and I know bigger things are ahead of me. However, it is nice to reflect on what August 13, 2013 did to me.  Risen was born on that day and little did I know that a new Mico will be born as well.


God,
Thank you for the wonderful gift of motherhood.  I felt your love and discipline through it.  You really know what to do with life!  Maraming Salamat.

and to Bryan and Risen,

Thank you for making me a mother.  You two changed me for the better.  I love you both.  


Mommy Mico