Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts

Stages of Grief - In the Context of Moving-On From a Romantic Relationship

Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship that ended sourly? If yes, you have also probably gone to the phase of getting over the person you were with.  Regardless of age, personality, educational attainment, and religious belief, people mourn when something tragic happens to them.  Individuals may just have different ways and timetable on how they will be back to their happy selves, but, there is a common denominator on the stages they will go through. Persons in this situation may not notice this universal factor but when taken closely, there is a general pattern of emotions with the people moving on.

According to psychologists, grief is the feeling someone experiences when he loses someone or something important to him.  It is also considered as an overwhelming emotion of a person which causes him deep sorrow.  With this definition, we can conclude that individuals whose relationships stopped in a bad note are very much prone to grief.

Among the stages of grief, the first phase is denial.  This is when the individual feels that the bond between him and his loved one is not yet over.  In this phase, it is possible that one or both parties may still communicate and talk about their separation over and over.  If it is the man who broke up with the woman, she is prone to asking the man several times on why he decided to end what they have.  If no communication is made at this stage, the couple may feel that nothing awful happened between them.  They may not cry nor react negatively in their state.  Another potential reaction is to feel okay and maybe to sense that they have already moved-on.

The second stage is anger.  One famous cause of broken relationships is betrayal. If this is the root of the problem, this is the time when the victim will feel mad to his partner.  If the people involved were just casualties of situations and their personality differences, they are expected to hate themselves.  They could think that it was their fault why their love ended and that they did not do anything good in their situation.  Some may go extreme by hating men or women and even the world they are in.  They may think that life is unfair.

After this stage, bargaining would come in. This is considered as the weakest part of heartache.  One may seek rescue from friends, legal affairs, or even from the people they were with.  Since the persons involved are extra vulnerable at this phase, they would have a lot of questions on why it occurred and why it happened to them.  There are also a lot of “ifs” in this leg, such as, “If only I was prettier..”, “If only I had a stable work and was able to provide…”  “If only his mother liked me…”, etc. 

The second to the last stage is depression.  This is when sadness and regret comes in.  Women possibly will choose not to go out and socialize and men may turn to alcohol.  Aside from this, people involved may perhaps feel tired and sickly.  They could once again cry and get stressed over little things.  However, since this is a familiar feeling and people know that the opposite of sadness is happiness, those who are in this stage easily find ways on how they can be joyful again.

The last stage of grief is acceptance.  Do not get fooled because acceptance may not mean cheerfulness.  This may simply mean that the persons involved are contented and at peace with their situation.  They no longer feel a strong negative emotion.  This last stage is also considered as the time when calmness is welcomed and withdrawal from habits brought about by depression is started.

In this world, it is typical for people to fall in love, be committed and get married.  At the same time, it is also normal for them to get hurt, fall out of love, and leave the person they were with.  Among all the natural occurrences in relationships, moving on is a part of it.  Some may be ready to have relationships again in 2 weeks, some will wait it out more, and maybe some would even just accept what happened and never commit themselves in relationships again.  In the midst of all this, it is good to know that no matter how negative we feel about ourselves, our lost love and our personal space – every bit of it is normal.  It is expected and perhaps it is even a must.



Today I am 31.  I can’t help but be amused on how God made this year wonderfully memorable and incredibly enjoyable.  

When I was much younger, I wondered where I would be at this age.  I think being 30 years old compels people to be at something, to be at a certain level.  It may be in one’s career, love life, savings in the bank, accomplishments, etc.  So, when it was 3 years before I turned 30, I was a bit squeamish because I felt that I did not have anything big yet.  I didn’t have a passbook I can be proud of.  No title on my name.  No relationship that would lead to marriage.  Nothing.  That is why when God turned my life around months before I turned 30, I was just so thankful.  I am something at 30.  I am happily engaged at 30. Wuhoo.

The second gift that God gave me this year was the restoration of friendship I had with 2 ladies.   We were distant for 2 years. Though our first meet up was awkward, our next try was flawless.  Thank God for burgers, cheesecakes and cups of coffee,  we (finally) found ourselves seated on a dining table sharing stories, and mentioning kept hurts in a very light and bubbly manner.  Our supposedly lunch together ended at almost midnight.  Definitely, not friendship over for us.  Yehey.

An added surprise was my survival in an engineering, procurement and construction firm.  Yup, you got that right.  Because of a need and priority basis, I decided to change career.  I remember my first week wherein I did not understand anything at all.  Nakakaiyak.  Plus, I am not used to not know what to do.  Dobleng nakakaiyak.  The job itself, terms, working habit, culture, people, jargons, and lingo were ALL new and dull (perspective of a Theater grad and a Literature teacher).  I usually sulk up my thoughts and fear then try harder. Good thing, I had good supports from the people around me and projects I was deployed in. They made me knowledgeable and confident in what I do.  It is still difficult at times and everyday is still a learning process, but I feel more capable.  I am not that dumb at what I do anymore.  So yes, I am still a Literature teacher in an Engineer’s world.  

Another Bryan related blessing was the Pamamanhikan (it went really well) and our relationship that is blossoming in God’s path.  Everyday is an assurance of His faithfulness in our individual lives and in our togetherness.  Though there are little discussions and arguments along the way, we are secured in our commitment, love and God’s grace.  

One thing more that makes me in awe were the changes and adjustments I handled all at the same time.  We moved in to our new home, closest church friends left Pinas for good, new job, wedding/marriage planning, went back to Masters, etc.  OH MY! Sabay-sabay silang lahat!  Looking back, I do not know how I was able to cope, but I think I did prett well.  I still miss my friends, our old home, and my teaching life (I do not miss being single at all -- haha) BUT since I know God and I know He wants me to be at my best, I couldn’t and wouldn’t complain.  Changes are blessings.

I am 31. When I was 9 and Mama was 31, feeling ko ang tanda tanda nya na!  haha Me? I do not feel old at all.   I am still young.  I am ONLY 31.   IT IS AWESOME TO BE 31! Try nyo! :)

Fluor Philippines Famiy


church friends last get-together

cheesecakes that witnessed it al


I have been single up until I was 25 years old.  I was one of the girls who decided to only enter relationships when I know I am ready to get married.  With this idea stuck in my head, I had a chance to fully enjoy my single life.  Wait, fun for me did not mean playing around. It was more of culture immersions, meeting people, trying different and wholesome activities, volunteering to community work, traveling, studying, and basically, thinking for myself.  Sounds egoistic? Maybe.  It was fun though :P.  I got to do what I want, anytime with anyone.  Spell FREEDOM.

biking at Boracay - 2005
Puerto Galera
Now that I said yes to marriage, spell ADJUSTMENT.  I can now distinguish the difference between the worlds of being unattached to the world of being committed (in its truest essence).  Worlds that are diverse yet intertwined.  In the beginning of our relationship, I thought I could pull this off easily, but oh man, I was so wrong!

One of the adjustments I have to exert effort to is, thinking for two.  This is from scheduling, to budgeting, to going out (with him or without him), to dressing up, to almost everything.  I am not complaining, it is just that, all my life, I have only considered myself.  I do not ask for anyone’s opinion.  Alone or with someone, I move on with my plans.  This is me!   Now, it is different.   I have to regard what he suggests and thinks (which is just right, db?).
Another tuning I had to do is, trying things for him (which I enjoy).  I now cook.   I have been cooking but I only prepare what I eat. Now, I look into the cuisines that he loves.  The cooler part is when he tastes it.  Sometimes, I get it perfect, but minsan singko (according to Bry, the effort is always uno, naks).  Good thing, I am marrying an Ilokano, thus boiled veggies will complete his meal - jackpot! What worries me though is when I start to think that this is would be a routine.  When I have to wake up early and prepare food on the table -- inspired or not.  Hay, I wish I would have Mama’s energy and passion for this. 

Aside from cooking, I am also starting to be extra responsible at chores and home care.  My parents’ decision on allowing me to live on my own has been so helpful. When I moved out, I told myself, party –party na to!  I was wrong though.  Being alone made me go home early because I had dishes to keep, restroom to clean, clothes to fold and a little home to sanitize.  Plus the unending question of, “Ano kaya lulutuin ko mamaya?”  Not to mention the budgeting I had to do.  Haaaay, the joys and pains of living alone.  What a life learning experience!

Sounds fun? I am sure it is, and it looks like a big change too.  Thinking for two and taking good care of a home and another person (plus other undiscovered paths) seems overwhelming but wonderful.   Am I just magnifying things? Maybe.  Knowing myself, I would rather prepare than be caught off guard.  Nevertheless, I am still single, so spell PRACTICE.

Below are a few of my single-spontaneous-get-aways:

about to leave Bohol.  Cebu, next

River wading at Bohol